The Edge Magazine Chelmsford Fanzine

Edge Editor’s Column

Written by The Edge Editor   
Monday, 01 June 2009

 

The Edge Editor enchants cows with his whistled rendition of the Honda theme.

 

Edgeb BananaAbandon hope, all ye who enter here. Such words are inscribed above the very doors of hell, yet we are far more likely to see them scrawled on a board outside our favourite boozer.
The back of beyond. Commonly used to describe any remote area, such as the interior of Katie Price’s cranium, yet 19th century Australian in origin, referring to the vast spaces of their interior (the Great Outback).
As different as chalk and cheese.

 

The Fling, Chelmsford.

Written by The Edge Editor   
Monday, 01 June 2009
The FlingFollowing last year's successful pilot event, The Fling - a festival of assorted amusements - will be returning to Chelmsford this summer.
On Saturday 4th July, Central Park will come to life with a village of tented areas, each filled with entertainment more tantalising than the last, and all aimed at those aged over 18.
 

Government Sponsored Spies

Written by Kingpin   
Monday, 01 June 2009
King PinAnd this month I have mainly been learning all about the new army of Government sponsored spies being trained on our doorsteps, and wondering just what the bloody hell people are thinking.
 

Could I do stand-up comedy?

Written by Robert Rutherford   
Monday, 01 June 2009
RutherfordDue to my skill as a documentary film maker, or possibly my skill to borrow camera equipment at short notice, I was carefully selected to film a stand-up comedy workshop at a large call centre in Romford. 
 

A New Acquaintance

Written by Really Rather Em   
Monday, 01 June 2009
Really Rather 'emThis month I have broken one of my own cardinal rules and made a new 'acquaintance', writes Emily Breen. I have lately been socialising at a few regular book events and, after some time, you cannot help but be drawn to familiar faces.  After all, it's handy to have an accomplice when one is a media whore. Accomplice I'm okay with, but friend?  I'm not so sure.  I'm kind of with The Edge Editor on this one (though it pains me to say so) - common ground is a good foundation for friendship, but you have to build on those foundations, and it takes time, baby.

  

 

Prince of Orange

Written by letters   
Monday, 01 June 2009
Readers LetterDear Shaun,
It was interesting to read about Crispin Coulson starting up a website on Facebook  in memory of The Prince of Orange.
Many people may recall that I was at The Bay Horse for many years before moving on to The Prince of Orange, where I was the last licensee before it became O’Connor’s.
Looking at the site on Facebook brought back many memories, though sadly some of the faces are no longer with us. 
 

Relative Incompetence

Written by Fifty Not Out   
Monday, 01 June 2009
It's SteveThe title of this month's missive is not, as you would first think, about whether your uncle is any good at doing his job. However, the circumstantial evidence is that should he be employed in providing you with a service of any kind, then he won't be, but that's not the point. At least, it's not the whole point.
 

Jokes

Written by letters   
Monday, 01 June 2009
GRRRRRRAmbitious Coach
The ambitious coach of a girls athletics team starts giving them steroids to enhance their performance. A month or so later, Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler, goes to see him.
"Coach, I have a problem,” she says. “Hair is starting to grow out of my breasts."
"What!" says her coach." How far down does it go?"
Penelope replies, "That’s something else I wanted a word with you about. To my bollocks."
 

The Catholic Church

Written by The Grumpy Goose   
Monday, 01 June 2009
Goose it!The Catholic Church has been in the press recently, in regard to the way it’s been ‘caring’ for, and ‘teaching’, orphans and vulnerable children in its residential facilities in Ireland. How proud (if it isn't a sin) and comforted Catholics must be of their priests and nuns for keeping alive the best traditions of their church. How pleased they must be that the medieval inquisition is still alive and kicking in Ireland. How proud the Pope must be to preside over such an ‘open, honest and wholesome’ church.
The Catholic Church can be assured that they have given these innocent little children a start in life that will stay with them for all of their days.
 

Clothed Man Sparks Riot At Orgy

Written by Lengthy Boy   
Monday, 01 June 2009
LengthA man who refused to take off his clothes at a raunchy party has been blamed for a mini-riot at an Australian nudist resort.
Police were called amid threats of violence and ordered the Brisbane man and his wife to leave the ‘anything goes’ sex party, reports Porn News Down Under for The Edge.

 

 

Bringing Home the Bacon

Written by Tracie   
Sunday, 31 May 2009
TracieAccording to the news reports these past few weeks, Swine Fever has well and truly broken out in the UK. No, no no, I don't mean all those greedy MPs who’ve been well and truly caught with their snouts in the trough. What a cheek. Whilst the rest of us have had to stump up more taxes, the greedy swines have been robbing us blind. Talk about Orwell's Animal Farm. You couldn't write a book about it all because its already been written!
 

Notes from the Battlefront

Written by Fat Capitalist Pig   
Monday, 01 June 2009
Capitalist pigService in the UK
I do feel so self-conscious when I have to be such a killjoy and interrupt our delicious shop assistant girls describing in intimate detail the nature of their latest late night romp. I do try to be ever so polite, apologising for my interruption, yet more often than not the reply is, "That's OK!" Stupid, as well as ill-mannered. In the event that my ‘Cloak of Invisibility’ isn't working on that particular day and service is forthcoming, I am consumed with an overwhelming desire to hug any individual concerned. But such is soon extinguished when the existence of an item but three inches from their fingertips is usually denied.
 

DOG WORLD: ‘The Great Escape II’ Auditions

Written by The Edge Editor   
Monday, 01 June 2009
DoggingYes readers, it’s not just we humans that are into our movies....dogs love ’em too. And here’s a number of our four-legged friends auditioning for The Great Escape II - Life After Battersea Dogs Home.
 
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