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Written by The Edge Editor
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Monday, 01 June 2009 |
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 "Imet a bloke playing Dancing Queen on a didgeridoo. I thought, ‘That's Aboriginal’.”
“This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.”
“I told the wife I’d just got a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin?” I said, “No, permanent.””
“I went into a pet shop and said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The bloke
said, “Do you want an aquarium?” I said, “I honestly don't care what
star sign it is.””
“I bought some Armageddon cheese the other day. It said on the packet: Best before: The End.”
“I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said, “Analogue?” I said, “No, just a watch.”
“But in the next shop I said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?” An assistant said, “Kenwood?” I said, “Where’s he then?””
“I went to see the doctor and I told him I was frightened of lapels. He said, “You've got cholera.””
“I was reading a fascinating book about ‘The History of Glue’. I couldn't put it down.”
“I ’phoned the local ramblers club, but the bloke who answered went on and on...”
“A recruitment consultant asked me what I thought of voluntary work?
I said, “I wouldn't do it if you paid me.””
“I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.
I said, “You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.”
He said, “This is for the custard.”
“I told my mum I'd opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?”
I said, “Well, I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising
anything.”
”I phoned a local builders today. I said, “Can I have a skip outside my house?” They said, “We’re not stopping you.”
“A cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says, “Audi!””
“I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, “Nearest to the bull
goes first.” I went, “Baah.” He went, “Moo.” He threw first.
“I was driving up the motorway when my boss ’phoned and told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He then ’phoned me
again to say I'd been promoted even higher, and I swerved the car some
more. He then made me managing director and I drove right off the
motorway into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I
said, “I careered off the road.”
“I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.”
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