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 Service in the UK
I do feel so self-conscious when I have to be such a killjoy and interrupt our delicious shop assistant girls describing in intimate detail the nature of their latest late night romp. I do try to be ever so polite, apologising for my interruption, yet more often than not the reply is, "That's OK!" Stupid, as well as ill-mannered. In the event that my ‘Cloak of Invisibility’ isn't working on that particular day and service is forthcoming, I am consumed with an overwhelming desire to hug any individual concerned. But such is soon extinguished when the existence of an item but three inches from their fingertips is usually denied.
I also approached a very well known British electrical retail company
recently to replace both my tumble dryer and washing machine (one
stacks atop the other). "Unfortunately, we can't sell or install the
stacking kit” (the bit that attaches the two items together and
prevents them from slipping), I was astonishingly informed.
Being the fussy sort, I politely enquired as to how I might acquire such.
“You can buy it from our subsidiary,” I was told.
“So how am I to secure them?” I asked
“You'll have to read the instructions,” they said
Solution: When the machines were delivered, I slipped the delivery chappy £20 and he put them together beautifully.
MP Expenses
I'm sure we've all had enough, so let me just say this: Answers on a
postcard one single positive outcome delivered to your doorstep by this
government since 1997? Just one. Go on, I dare you? No cheating. Let me
help you with just a few potential headings: The Economy. Education.
Taxation. Wars. Trust. Freedom of Speech. Security. Transparency.
Democracy.
Difficult, isn't it?
Cricket
May was a fantastic month in which to play Test Cricket. Reliable
weather, long hazy rain-free days, and always made better by starting
against substandard opposition on a Wednesday, so as to guarantee that
the game is over by the weekend. This at least ensures that the few
remaining potential spectators that still actually have a job, cannot
attend. A test series for the unemployed then. Oh, and just for good
measure, let’s play another test against the same inept opposition in
Durham, the ‘North East Riviera, bastion of sun loving, cricket mad
tourism.
Average Speed Limits
Just when we couldn't do any more to turn Britain's roads into one
large funeral cortege, some bright spark decides that ‘serious
policing’ should entail making us drive even slower. Yes, slower. Has
anyone visited the ‘right fast lane’ of a motorway lately? A 3 mile
procession, all chugging along at a breakneck 50mph, yet alert enough
to exercise the ‘two fingered salute’ at the threat of the odd deviant
creeping up from the left. Yes, yes, yes, I know it is illegal and
dangerous to undertake, but just answer me this: when there are 2 lanes
entirely devoid of traffic and the third is crammed with flat-capped
crawlers, what is one supposed to do?
A Nation of Morons
The quality of TV declines annually. The preponderance of ‘reality’
suffering escalates with every passing month. The fact that Britain has
no talent whatsoever (more likely, the truly talented are far too
ashamed to appear on such a banal medium) seems to put off no one. I
can, with some considerable pride, say that I have never been subjected
to Big Brother, but I have seen a few trailers. Dear God, what have we
become? Not satisfied with that, we are then fed tripe from the
Australian outback (no, much worse than Neighbours) in order to further
the careers of one or many flagging ‘personalities’ in dire need of
forthcoming book publication publicity. There again, faced with the
permanent despair generated by the England football team, it does,
perhaps, have its place.
The Final Word
Overheard on the tube this week. Honestly, this is ABSOLUTELY TRUE. Two young bottle-blondes, they were:
"So, you just got back from Egypt then, ’ey? Nice tan.”
“No. It was supposed to be Sharm el something or other, but then they took us to this dirty place with a massive stone lion....”
“Oooh, what, the Pyramids?”
“No. But we went skiing there last year, in Italy."
And then, very sadly, I had to get off the Jubilee Line at Waterloo. But you guess the direction in which they were headed, yes?
More from ‘The Fat Capitalist Pig’ who has ‘quite a spread’ in leafy Surrey next month, folks!
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