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Conclusive Proof
Two Eskimos were sitting shivering in a kayak, so they lit a fire in the craft. Naturally it sank, proving irrefutably that ‘you cannot have your kayak and heat it’.
Confessional
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the church.
To his amazement, there's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap,
whilst on the wall there’s a dazzling array of the finest cigars and
chocolates.
Then the priest walks in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession,” says the Irishman, “although I must say, the confessional
box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replied sternly, "Get out of my side!"
Invisible Man
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. Naturally there kids were nothing to look at either.
Potted Geranium
A guy walks into a flower shop and asks for a potted geranium.
"Sorry, we don’t have any potted geraniums," says the florist. "But we
do have some lovely African violets that make great presents. Would you
like one of those?"
“No," replies the man, sadly. "It was definitely a geranium my wife asked me to water whilst she was away."
Strange Love
A friend of mine fell in love with two school bags. He’s clearly bisatchel.
Condoms
A man walks into a pharmacy with his 10-year old son and they happen to
walk by the condom display. The boy asks, '”Hey, Dad, what’re these?”
The boy’s father, extremely matter-of-factly, replies, “Why, those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh yes,” replies the boy. “I've heard about them in my health class at school.”
The boy then looks at the display and picks up a packet of 3 and asks, “Why three, Dad?”
His father replies, “They’re for high school boys, son. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool,” says his son. “And what about these?” pointing to a packet of six condoms.
“Ah, these are for college men, son,” answers his father, forthrightly. “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaims his son. “And what about these?” he then asks, picking up a 12- pack.
With a sigh, his father replies, “These are for married men, son. One for January, one for February one for March....”.
Clingfilm
A guy walks in to see a psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
One Wish
A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked
if she got three wishes. The genie curtly said, “Nope, sorry.
Three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So,
what'll it be, lady?”
The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting each other and I
want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. That
would bring about world peace and harmony.”
The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Be reasonable. These
countries have been at war for thousands of years. Hey lady, I'm good,
but not that good. So make another wish and try to keep it real.”
Disappointed, the woman thought for a moment, then said, “Well, I've
never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's
considerate, fun, romantic, likes to cook and help around the house
with the cleaning, is good in bed, but also gets along with my family,
doesn't watch sports all the time, is faithful. Yes, that’s what I
truly wish for....a really good man.”
The genie scratches its head and says, “Let me see that map again.”
Swimming
I was swimming in the sea on holiday when I noticed a load of meat float past. Oh yes, the water was definitely a bit choppy.
Mexican Maid
A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The lady of the house was not amused so summoned her to talk about her demands.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more money?”
Maria said, “Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want a pay increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
“Who says you iron better than me?” demanded the lady of the house.
“Your husband, Senora,” says Maria.
“Oh,” says the lady of the house.
“The second reason I want a raise is because I am a better cook than you,” says Maria.
“Says who?” demands the lady of the house.
“Your husband,” confirms Maria.
“Oh,” says the lady of the house.
“The third reason I want an increase is because I am a better lover than you,” says Maria.
Well, the lady of the house is really furious now and says, “Did my husband tell you that too?”
“No, Senora,” says Maria, “the gardener did.”
“Oh,” says the lady of the house. “So...how much did you have in mind?”
Marijuana
Telephone answering-machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana, please press the hash key.'
Slipped Disc
Paddy has slipped a disc so his mate Mick pops round to see him.
Mick says, “How y’doin’, Paddy?”
Paddy says, “It’s frustratin’ layin’ here not being able to do ought
for mesel’. Say, do us a favour and nip upstairs and get me slippers
for me, will you? Me plates are bloody freezing.”
So Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin
daughters sitting on their beds. Ever the opportunist, he says, “Hello
girls. Your Da's just sent me up here to shag you both.”
They giggle and say, “Get away with ya, Mick. Da would never suggest anythin’ loike that.”
So Mick shouts downstairs, “You did say the both of em, didn’t you, Paddy?”
Paddy shouts back impatiently, “O’course both of ’em, you daft twat. What's the bloody point in only fuckin’ one?”
Safe Bet
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him fifty quid that he
couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No chance. The
steaks are way too high."
Arizona
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Arizona when
she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking by the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and lonely one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a lift.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming her journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk
with the Navajo woman, but she just sat there silently, looking
intently at everything she saw both inside and outside of the vehicle,
studying every little detail, until she eventually noticed a brown bag
on the back seat of the car.
"What in bag?" asked the old Navajo woman.
Sally looked briefly over her shoulder and said, "Oh, it's a just a bottle of wine that I got for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment or two longer, before speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder who has seen a lot in her life.
"Good trade," she pronounced.
Q&A
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. Black coat, white collar....and you've definitely got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.
Readers, come on....The Edge is right out of decent new jokes and
desperately needs a whole fresh stash. So get your bloody fingers out
and let’s be having some pronto!
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