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 Ambitious Coach
The ambitious coach of a girls athletics team starts giving them steroids to enhance their performance. A month or so later, Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler, goes to see him.
"Coach, I have a problem,” she says. “Hair is starting to grow out of my breasts."
"What!" says her coach." How far down does it go?"
Penelope replies, "That’s something else I wanted a word with you about. To my bollocks."
Two Black Eyes
A man staggers into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two
black eyes, and a five iron wrapped around his neck. The doctor takes
one look at him and says, "Wow! What happened to you, fella?"
"Well,” says the bloke, “I was having a quiet round of golf with the
wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow
pasture. So we went to look for them and while I was searching, I
noticed one of the cows had something white stuck on it’s arse. So I
walked over, lifted its tail, and, sure enough, there was a golf ball
with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of this cow's
arse. Still holding the cow's tail up for effect, I shouted over to my
wife, “Hey, this looks like yours.” And I honestly don’t remember very
much after that."
Viagra
An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch, then starts putting his coat on. His wife, seeing his unexpected behaviour, asks him where he thinks he’s going?
He replies, “I’m going to see the doctor.”
“Why, are you sick?” she asks.
“Nope,” says the old timer. “I'm just gonna get me some of that Viagra.”
Immediately his wife starts struggling out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat too.
“Where the heck d’you think you’re going?” he asks her.
She answers, “I’m going to see the doctor too.”
“Why the hell’s that?” asks her husband.
His wife says, “If you're gonna start using that rusty old pecker again, I'd better get myself a Tetanus Shot.”
Final Answer
The wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire whilst we
were in bed. So I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"
She answered, “No.”
"Is that your final answer?" asked I.
She didn't even look at me this time and said, "Yes, it is."
So I said, "OK, then I'd like to ’phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
Magic Lift
An Amish boy and his father were in a shopping mall. They were amazed
by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What’s this, Father?”
His father, never having seen a lift before, responded, “Son, I have
never seen anything like it in my life, so I simply don't know what it
is.”
While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The
walls eventually opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. Then the walls closed behind her and the boy and his father
watched the small circular numbers next to the walls light up
sequentially. They continued to watch until the lights reached the very
last number, and then the numbers began to light up in reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up once again and a gorgeous young blonde stepped out.
The father whispered to his son, "Quick, go find your mother."
Dublin Bar
Two men were sitting next to each other in a bar. After a while, one
guy looks at the other and says, “I can't help but think, from
listening to you, that you're from Oirland.”
The other guy responds proudly, “Yes, that I am!” The first guy says, “So am I! Whereabouts in Oirland might you be from den?”
The other guy says, “Why, I'm from Dublin, that I am.”
The first guy says, “Sweet Jesus, Joseph and Mary, so am I! Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on?”
The other guy says, “Ah, it was a lovely little street called McCleary Street, in the old central part of town.”
The first guy says, “Faith, and isn’t it such a small world, for so did
I! Hey, and what school would you have been going to way back then?”
The other guy says, “Well now, that would have to have been St. Mary's.”
The first guy gets really excited at that and says, “I don’t believe this, so did I!”
A waitress walks over to the bar with some empty classes and the
bartender mutters to her, “Jesus wept, it's going to be a long night
tonight. The Murphy twins are pissed again.”
Blonde Husband
One day, a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his own
sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted
to his wife, “What setting do I use on the washing machine?”
“It depends,” replied his wife. “What does it say on your shirt?”
Her husband yelled back, “University of Oklahoma.”
And they say blondes are dumb.
Ex-Girlfriend
This morning, I received a ’phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend
who called right out-of-the-blue to see if I was still around.
We quickly lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to share together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up
and rekindling a little of our 'old magic.' In fact, was flabbergasted.
“Oh, I don't know if I could keep pace with you these days,” I said.
"I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me. Plus I
don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.
“Yeah,” I said. “Just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days. Not to mention my lack of muscle
tone, stuff sagging, teeth not being as white as they once were, and
jowls like a Great Dane.”
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
Then she teased me, saying that tubby, balding, older men were cute, and she was sure I’d still be a great lover.
Then she giggled, “I've put on a bit of weight myself.”
So I told her to fuck off and hung up.
Blacksmith Vacancy
An Irishman applied for a job as a blacksmith and was asked if he had ever shoed a horse.
He replied, “No, but I did tell a donkey to fuck off once.”
Scared & Naked
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled, “Holy shit! That must be my husband!”
So the man, scared and naked, jumped out of the bed and straight out
the bedroom window. He smashed himself up when he hit the ground, then
ran through a thorn bush to his car as fast as his legs could carry him
in order to make his escape.
A few minutes later, he returned and limped up to the bedroom and said to the woman, “But I am your husband!”
She said, “Then why the fuck did you run away?”
Scuba Divers
Paddy asks Murphy why scuba divers fall off their boats backwards?
Murphy replies, “You thick twat, Paddy. If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the fucking boat.”
Q&A
Q. Why are men so bad at sex and driving?
A. Because they pull out without any thought as to who else might be coming.
Erection Problems
A couple were about three years into their relationship when the guy
started having erection difficulties. Both had different ideas about
what the problem might be. She bought him some Viagra. He bought her an
exercise bike.
Irish Bar
A penguin walks into an Irish Bar and says to the barman, “Has my brother been in here?”
The barman scratches his head and says, “Dunno. What does he look like?”
Lotto Winner
A man says to his wife, "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"
She replied bullishly, "I’d take half and leave you in an instant."
So the guy whips out his wallet and says, "Fine. I just won a tenner. Here's a fiver. Now fuck off!”
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