|
Written by Kingpin
|
|
Thursday, 30 July 2009 |
|
After being touted in the news for so long that it’s frankly becoming boring, and seeming almost mythical (like the female orgasm or that clitoris thing), the dreaded SWINE FLU has finally made an appearance in Chelmsford, although luckily the (ahem) lethal virus decided to plant its scabrous trotters at my house of ill repute after my girlfriend was diagnosed with it just last week. So far, I haven't met anyone else who's had it, or even knows of anyone who's got it, so The Edge Ed. thought a little Q&A with a medical professional, such as my good self, might come in handy for you devoted readers.
Q: What's Swine Flu actually like?
A: In medical terms, I'd say it was bastard awful. It started as a
fairly innocent sore throat and cough, yet in about 24 hours it’d
turned into a full blown fever with severe nasal congestion, all topped
off with those marvellous whole body aches that we all love flu so very
much for.
Q: Ouch! So it's painful then?
A: Yeah, it's not nice. At one point I think the only thing that wasn't
aching was my girlfriends' hair. Honest, it was even making her jaws
and teeth hurt. Add to that a fever during what was probably the
hottest week of the year, and it was all very, very uncomfortable.
Q: How was it diagnosed?
A: They're doing it over the ’phone now as they don't want people
shambling into the surgery infecting everyone else. By all accounts,
it's getting much more prolific, so they haven't got time to swab and
test anymore. Call them up and they'll basically run through a check
list over the blower with you, and then give you the good news.
Q: And then what?
A: And then you nominate a ‘flu-friend’ who isn't infected to go and
pick up your Tamiflu. They were originally giving it to family members
of the infected, but they've stopped that now due to the high amount of
cases coming in.
Q: Does Tamiflu work?
A: It's actually pretty good. We saw a marked improvement within a
little over 24 hours. Symptoms are still persisting even now, over a
week since my girlfriend first contracted it, but thankfully now
they're much less pronounced.
Q: What's the contagion period?
A: Apparently, while you're displaying any symptoms, such as a curly
pink tail, you're still contagious, so we've still got a red-cross
painted on our door, ready for the corpse-cart to come round.
Q: Anything to worry about?
A: Not unless you're already very ill, or a proper Nancy. If you
contract it, just gird your loins for a week or so of what is really
just a plain old bad pig of a flu virus. Painful and annoying, but far
from dangerous if you're normally pretty healthy the rest of the time.
Q: Is it true that you haven't caught it yourself, despite selflessly nursing your girlfriend back to good health?
A: Yes. Obviously my Wolverine-like immune system is far too manly to
succumb to the likes of Swine Flu. And one of my testicles is proper
huge too. I tell thee, porking pigs is simply not for everyone.
 |
Subscribe to this comment's feed
Columnists