What to Take When packing, try not to be panicked into taking the kind of clothes that are usually bought for an Arctic expedition. You'll doubtless have a better experience of the region if you don't trumpet your southern identity, so you should leave your sarong, cravat, manbag and guyliner at home. On the other hand, don't go so far with your attempts to ‘blend in’ that you wear a flat cap, braces and smear your face with coal. Local Customs As soon as you get off the train in the North, you might feel initially uncomfortable that people you don't know begin making smalltalk with you. Do not be alarmed. It doesn't necessarily mean that they're trying to rob you. They might just be nice. So, if someone does start up a bit of a conversation, try and avoid topics about how rich you are and how much cheaper everything appears to be in the North. Because if you bray on about such topics for too long, you might find the legendary friendliness of Northerners suddenly somewhat lacking. And if, heaven forbid, you ever climb aboard a bus, or some other mode of public transport, remember that there's really no need to automatically bury your face into the armpit of a fellow passenger. In fact, there will probably be enough room for you to have a seat all to yourself.

Local Cuisine Like the rest of the UK, Northerners have acquired a taste for far more upmarket foods these days and are just as likely to buy sun-blushed tomatoes and organic humous from M&S as take their chances with any unmarked tins from Lidl. And it's not just local spec i a l i t i e s that make the cuisine in the North of England different. While chips are available throughout the UK, proper chips are only available in the North, and that's because they're made by chopping up potatoes rather than pouring a large bag of polystyrene shavings into a deep fat fryer (OK, so Northerners do strange things to chips, such as pour gravy over them and stick them between a couple of slices of bread to create the fabled chip butty, but that’s simply because it tastes good and bugger the calories).

Recreation At some point on your visit, you'll probably want to enjoy the traditional northern pastime of getting pissed and, being a soft southern shite, it’ll probably prove to be a bit of an eye-opener. You’ll be able to tell immediately if you're choice of hostelry is somewhere that welcomes non-locals, because if the jukebox stops as soon as you walk in, or if a group of fat blokes in the corner stop playing darts, or the barstaff spit on the floor when they clock you, you’ll know you’re in the wrong place. However, you should be able to find a pub that you feel comfortable in and, heaven forbid, you might even find one that serves those strange fizzy lagers you all love so much in the South. However, please make an effort to respect local culture and refrain from ordering halves.

Furthermore, for pities sake, do not, under any circumstances, ask for a lager top Amenities If you happen to visit the house of a local person, after a few sips of tea, you'll probably be in need of the toilet, which in the North of England is known as the bog, the shitter or the shithouse. After you've r e l i e v e d yourself, do please observe the local etiquette of never washing your hands, and for God's sake don't even think about asking where the bidet is. Around Town When you inevitably get ‘oot on the toon’, by the time you've got to the end of your second pint, you'll probably be talking loudly (being Southern and all) and already be in the mood to move on to a nightclub. In which case, if you're male, do your utmost to resist the temptation to rush onto the dance floor the moment your favourite song comes on, especially if it’s 'It's Raining Men' by The Weather Girls, you great big soft Southern shite.

Emergency Services Soon you'll be reaching the end of your third pint and, by now, you'll probably be slurring your words and feeling quite aggressive. If you fancy a fight, you should find it pretty easy. Just stand in the queue at the kebab shop and talk loudly about money and you’ll soon get your face filled in. But if that doesn't work, try approaching a right hard Northern bloke in a T-shirt in the middle of winter with a traditional fight-starting line such as, “Are you looking at me or chewing a brick?” Then, when you reach the local A&E department, you can doubtless conclude your night out with the traditional Northern pastime of trying to pull the nurse. Despite the fact that she's probably been on duty for the past 24 hours and you've got blood and sick caked all down the front of your shirt in equal measures, your sexual Southern magnetism is likely to be so effective that she'll overlook all that and succumb to your undoubted cheeky-chappy charms. Whatever happens, you'll then be able to return home with the ultimate souvenir of your trip up to the North - a set of fresh stitches and two new front teeth (which I hope you’ll agree is far better than a tea towel from Lake Windermere).

Northern Glossary A now for a few words to help you on your way: Aye - Yes Bairn - Child Battered - Drunk (notice how hard Northern slang for intoxication is, as compared to effeminate Southern terms such as 'sloshed' and 'trolleyed') Bevies - Drinks (as in: “Yates’ are doin’ two bevies for the price o’one if you get there afore six like, man.” Bobby Dazzler - an object that would be precious to someone who watches Bargain Hunt, such as a porcelain figurine of a wet otter Brick Shithouse - Well Built Lass/Chap Canny/Champion - Good Chuffed - Pleased Cob On - Annoyed Dinner - Lunch Divent - Geordie for don't Eee by gum - only ever used by Southerners to tease Northerners Gobshite - One who talks shite Haddaway - Geordie for go away Howay - Geordie for come on Jammy - Lucky (as in: “Why, you jammy bastard, our Malcolm.”) Kecks - Trousers Lend - Borrow Mam - Mum Mardy - Strop on Me - My Narky - Moody Oot - Out Pig in knickers - Unattractive bird Scran - Food Summut - Something Tea - refers to an evening meal as well as a right refreshing hot drink Us - Our (as in: “The Grease Megamix is comin’ on. Let's dance roond us handbags, eh?”) Yoose - the correct Northern plural of you

Why not join me next month for the final part of this right riveting series entitled ‘The Northern Monkey Survival Guide to Visiting London’....and that’ll be an end to it!