Furthermore, rumours are rife that occupants of Melbourne flats will be evicted to house the expected thirty-two national teams. Danbury Common However, as with the forthcoming South African tournament later this year, team managers, including Fabio Capello, are considering alternative locales to train their teams. One FIFA secretary had this to say: "Rustenburg is one of the most competitive areas this year, due to its high altitude. For the same reason, I would imagine that most teams will be scrapping it out for a suitable place on Danbury Common come 2018, so the locals might want to prepare for a considerable influx of grunting skinheads and third rate supermodels. "Basically, it'll look like a bit greener Dagenham," added the FIFA secretary. The decision to place a bid has met with a lot of scepticism from the citizens of Chelmsford who argue that we can't even fill all the potholes in the town, let alone convert the county town into a FIFA hosting venue.

Mammoth A spokesman for the council issued this statement: "Chelmsford is growing and by 2018 we believe the town will be in a very fit state to host one of the biggest sporting events the world has ever seen. I mean, look at Kings Tower and our new bus station. They were whipped up in a jiffy, weren’t they? "It can't be much more difficult than that mammoth project, eh? We'll use the same lot to modify the stadium - except maybe a different architect because it would be nice if the doorways are tall enough to allow the players in. "People forget the amazing speed at which we get a lot of things done in Chelmsford.

That extremely useful, non-congesting pelican crossing on Parkway - the one that makes walking to Moulsham Street take thrice as long as using the subway, yeah that one - that was practically built overnight, that was. “Then there's the pedestrianisation of the High Street, and the river front out the back of Riverside, and the gasworks opposite the Meadows. Ah, well, forget that last one. These things don't just pop out of the ground, you know." The spokesman added, "Look, just bear with us on this one, will you? If our bid is successful, we may have just enough money to rip down that lovely coloured building opposite the Riverside Inn. Yes, that one. OK, so you might not be able to park there for free anymore, but at least you won't be sick in your lap every time you catch sight of it. "Have a little faith, eh?

Chelmsford has got a Frankie & Benny's now, so what’s a World Cup tournament?" Opening Ceremony Meanwhile, arrangements have already been made to book the entertainment for the opening ceremony, which will feature numerous local stars including the ‘Mad Cat Lady’ (she who walks around the town with a cat on her shoulder), the High Street bridge busker, plus that bloke who works in Superdrug - yes, you know the one. This article was written by Mark Towers who runs the satirical news blog PressPoke. The site was set up in November of last year and is a ruddy good read if Edge readers are after a titter during their lunch break at work. Jonathan Ross, Deal or No Deal, Andrew Marr and, of course, Gordon Brown, have all fallen foul of Mark and his co-writer's words.

Beware though, they are not always politically correct, but that's the way to be, isn't it? Mark is a youthful 21 years old (lucky sod) and is also a local lad who lives in Writtle. You can follow his and the other PressPoke writers' articles at presspoke.blogspot.com. Be sure to add it to your favourites and subscribe to the RSS feed, if you're a technology minded wizkid and have one. You can also follow all PressPoke related updates on Twitter - @pokingthepress and you can contact Mark himself at email: This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it