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Written by Really Rather Em
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Monday, 01 June 2009 |
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 This month I have broken one of my own cardinal rules and made a new 'acquaintance', writes Emily Breen. I have lately been socialising at a few regular book events and, after some time, you cannot help but be drawn to familiar faces. After all, it's handy to have an accomplice when one is a media whore. Accomplice I'm okay with, but friend? I'm not so sure. I'm kind of with The Edge Editor on this one (though it pains me to say so) - common ground is a good foundation for friendship, but you have to build on those foundations, and it takes time, baby.
Here’s a clue about long lasting, enduring friendship - you must earn
it. With as much hard work as that implies. You have to put in the
hours; there are no short cuts. (Excepting social mwah, mwah,
air-kissing scenarios where alcohol provides an excellent short cut
and, might I add, a jolly effective all around social lubricant!)
As far as friendship goes, I never put out on a first date. Cast your
mind back to the days of yore, of My Guy magazine, big-haired guitar
bands and of The Bases. We all remember The Bases and what they came to
represent. The dreadful Monday morning on-the-bus review of who went
with who - and how far they went. To mistime those all-important steps
was to forever cement a reputation as a slut/a tease/a prude or…the
most popular girl in school.
Flash-forward 18+ years and here on the buddy-bus I'm gaining a
reputation as the very worst of the worst - "There's a rumour going
around that Emily is friendship frigid!" Oh the humanity!
All is not lost though. Just as there were teen tricks to seduction
(and second) so too are there ways to thaw my frozen heart. Here, then,
is my 'don't strike out' guide to navigate you around the bases and
help you score life-long friendship:
First Base: I will meet you for a drink and listen as you talk.
Perhaps we have a friend in common or have recently seen the same film
(for a cheat sheet to my taste see last months column). The
conversation will be light-hearted and funny. On the surface, this will
seem like nothing more than two people bonding over a bottle of white.
However, beneath the surface, I am clocking everything you do and don't
do - searching your soul for a reason to cast you aside. I am resisting
your advances because I really don't want to like you. The night ends
with vague talk about e-mails and meeting up again soon. Don't pressure
me. Make me come to you. Make me want you.
Second Base: Impressive, you followed the rules, stayed away and gave
me time to decide I wanted to see you again. Now here we are. I've
come out without a getaway plan, and I'm prepared to go a little
further….to talk about me. Some of it will even be true. Some. I've
started to wonder - could you be the one? Could I fall in like with you?
Third Base: We've seen each other a few times now. I trust you. My
guard is down. It's time to get ‘whisper’ intimate. I'm letting you
come to my house! Don't let this milestone pass as though unremarkable
- very few people have access to the trusted zone. I'm not a friend
slut.
All The Way/Home Run: You've done the deed, got your friend away
(sorry), and now, for better or for worse, we'll be together to the
bitter end. There's a lovely trite saying about friendship that you may
find embroidered on cushions and printed on spectacularly tasteless
posters of sunsets:
‘Friendship is a flower that must be watered.’
Bollocks. Friendship is a cactus; hardy and capable of surviving neglect. The cushions lie!
Think about your best friends - your family of choice - you pick up
where you left off with those rare people. They don't wilt and die as
soon as you are separated. Because real friendship endures, that's
what makes the befriending dance worthwhile. However long you are
apart and however far, whatever changes shape your lives; as soon as
you are in a room again together, you click and it all makes sense.
There's no rhyme nor reason to it and there's sure as hell no formula.
If there was, you could all too easily replicate your past successes
and keep a spare or two on hand in case of emergencies.
I'm not disparaging anyone who finds it comforting to number their
friends in the hundreds. I'm sure it's nice to have a ’phone choking
with names, and 1,000 Facebook friends. It must be marvellous to
socialise in a circle so large you'll never be alone in a crowd. To me
though, the nicest thing about a real friend is that when it's
right…you only need one.
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