Shoes Off |
| Written by Robert Rutherford | |||||
| Thursday, 18 September 2008 | |||||
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I recently went to a party round someone's house that I had never been to before. I didn't know them, or anyone else there, so if you're wondering how I came to be invited, it's because the person I was with was related to these people, although that’s all irrelevant.
I ended up turning up slightly late and somewhat the worse for wear. Anyone who knows me will appreciate that I am generally late for parties and also tend to turn up somewhat the worse for wear when I do eventually arrive. So when I did, the party was in full swing. So in I staggered to be met by all these previously unknown people. Eventually, I ended up in the lounge with a beer in my hand, sitting on the arm of one of their sofas. It was at that exact point that I suddenly noticed that no one had any shoes on, except, of course, me. Suddenly I became very conscious of the fact that I must be breaking the golden ‘shoes off’ rule that some people have. But I hadn't been asked to remove my shoes on the way in (or perhaps I had, but I honestly hadn’t heard). So there I sat, reeling with shoe guilt and wondering what exactly I should do about it. I tried not to draw attention to my obvious rule breaking as there is nothing worse than the person who's house it is exclaiming: “This is a shoes off house. Do you mind taking yours off?” This simple expression has the uncanny ability to always make me feel as though I have actually defecated upon their carpet. So I sat there some more, wondering if it would be better to take my shoes off right away so as to minimise the amount of further steps that I would place upon their carpet, or whether I should just quickly nip out to the hallway with them on and then discreetly remove them. If I had taken them off immediately, I would have drawn attention to the fact that I still had them on, so I took the cowards approach and nipped out into the hallway and slipped them off. I must admit that once there I did notice a rather large pile of shoes which I should have spotted on the way in, but perhaps I dismissed for the previously mentioned ‘worse for wear’ reasons. I then returned to the lounge totally shoeless, in just my socks, like everyone else. I grabbed my beer and thought, ‘I've got away with it’. In retrospect, everyone else probably thought that I was some rude weirdo who had not only broken the shoes off rule, but who had also sat there staring quietly at his own feet for ages just to point the fact out to everyone before taking further steps upon their obviously treasured carpet. There are quite a few people who I visit that follow this odd rule of ‘shoes off’ at the door, including the editor of this publication. If you're one of the chosen few who get to visit the interior glory of ‘Edge Towers’, upon entry you will get to hear the warm and welcoming greeting of, “Shoes off, lad!” There’s a whole bunch of etiquette that needs to be adhered to when visiting someone's home and most of it I will happily and politely play along with. For instance, I wouldn't even dream of sneakily having a nose around someone's bedroom, for example, as that's a traditionally out of bounds area when visiting folk. I would also never tell anyone how bad their coffee was, unless it truly was the worst I had ever had (hey, that’d be at ‘Edge Towers’ again). And as a smoker, whenever I visit a non-smoker, I always ask them whether or not I am allowed to smoke inside their house, or if I need to put my coat on and go outside. I don't agree that I should have to smoke outside and also don't agree with the smoking ban, but such arguments have little place in an article about taking your shoes off. But in general, I am usually a very polite guest. Please feel free to invite me round and you'll see exactly how fucking polite I am. So what's it all about? Well, I've read that the ‘shoes off thing’ is all about the host making the guest feel comfortable. Bollocks. The shoes off thing, especially in Mr Edge's case, is all about getting another couple of months wear out of the carpet. I'm not sure how this has become so commonplace and why carpets are the single item particularly worthy of such protection via etiquette. If you’ve got a nice new sofa, you don't start telling your guests to take their trousers off and sit in their pants, do you? I just don't quite get the mindset of people who think, ‘Hmmm...lets cover our floor in stuff that we think is too special to let people walk over’. A floor is at the gravity end of the house situation and people should expect that people, who are also affected by gravity, will naturally be placed upon it. If you really wanted to keep your carpet in the exact condition that it was when you bought it, you should try putting it up on your ceiling instead. That way you can lay on your bare floorboards and gaze up at the wonderful condition of your rug, safe in the knowledge that people will struggle to walk on it. Of course, the other more traditional way of making sure that only clean shoes walk upon your carpet is to use some kind of a doormat in your doorway. They're not a new invention and can easily be purchased for a couple of quid from a whole range of retail outlets.
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Edge Editor
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... Prick. First off, the coffee. I drink instant decaffeinated coffee because I developed high blood pressure drinking normal coffee and tea. I also drink the instant stuff because it’s quick and I like the taste of that which I buy, as opposed to thick mud. The ‘shoes off’ thing. We don’t even have carpet (downstairs) in ‘Edge Towers’. But if it’s wet and dirty outside, I’m sorry (like f ck I am), but no, a quick wipe of your soles that might once have stood in some dog shit is plainly not good enough. (Incidentally, what home does not have a doormat? I’ve never been in one.) Trouble is, where you’re concerned, once you’ve taken your shoes off, your socks don’t look that clean either, Rob. As for smoking, fxxk me, what a disgusting habit. You think you should be allowed to go into a person’s home and smoke your rancid tobacco and make their house smell, do you? The revolting stench gets into the very fabric of a home, whilst you merrily bugger off after an hour or so, leaving your filthy odour behind you. I detest the smell that smokers create and leave behind them and these days I think it is absolutely superb that you can return home from a night out at the pub without stinking like an ashtray. But hey, we’re all different. Apologies to Shakey for not being able to fit his info in about his gig nights at The Two Brewers every Friday night. |
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