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Wooton Bassett
How dare these dirty foreigners march through the streets of Wootton Bassett in memory of their filthy countrymen, women and children, killed by our brave soldiers in the pursuit of the defence of our freedom? Our brave soldiers are sent by our government to protect our freedom. Our freedom to invade and occupy any country we choose; and death to the indigenous population who oppose us. Our crusade is right; God's on our side.
We are upholding the finest Victorian principles - see the other man's
country, invade the other man's country; and if he objects, shoot him.
What’s more, we are very good at it; we've been doing it since 1076
after all, when brave English soldiers were first sent to the Middle
East (Jerusalem) to liberate it from Johnny Foreigner (The Crusades).
Jesus and the holy land belongs to England, obviously. Jesus was
probably born in Wootton Bassett, where only the deaths of Englishmen
are marked with solemn, dignified processions. If you're not English,
your life is worth less than nothing and must not, under any
circumstances, be noted. As every true English Christian inhabitant of
Wootton Bassett will tell you, to mark the death of a filthy foreigner
is an affront to the citizens of that fine English town.
The real fear
here is that these protesters remind us of an ‘inconvenient truth’; in
war, our soldiers kill people. The people our soldiers kill are as
human as the rest of us. They have families who mourn them, as we mourn
our dead. These anti war protesters must be stopped; they want to stop
the war, the heartless bastards. They want peace. They want to stop the
killing. The people of Wooton Bassett say no to them. Heaven forbid
this war is stopped. Long live war; we love it. We love to watch the
endless procession of young lives lost in this marvellous pursuit. We
love to stand here to show how British we are. How Christian we are.
We, the people of Wootton Bassett, support the perpetual war, by
Christians, on Muslims in the Middle East.
Double Glazing
Apparently,
it will save you around £230 per year on your heating bills. It only
costs £3,850 to install, so the £230 you save per year will have paid
for itself in only 17 years; just in time for you to have to replace it
again. On a similar note, there is a government initiative to encourage
us to remove our old heating boilers and replace them with modern, more
efficient ones. One woman who was about to make the change explained
that she was replacing her 10 year old boiler with an efficient new
one. So she is going to spend £2,500 on a new boiler that could save
her up to £200 per year. Fantastic; in only a little over 12 years she
will have recouped the cost of installation; just in time etc.
Highlights of my New Year
The Pope was pulled to the floor during his
Christmas ‘pantomime procession’ (well, he does dress like a pantomime
dame) which I found hilarious! ‘Rage Against the Machine’ was the
Christmas number one. Fantastic! A blow against the insipid and
contrived shite foisted upon us by that master of mediocrity, Simon
Cowell. Well, Simon, in the words of the song: "Fork you, I won't do
what you tell me." (Fork you, I won't buy what you sell me.)
Hearing
Aids
I've just seen Tom O'Conner (the 1970s comedian) in a hearing aid
advert on C5. Nothing remarkable about that, except the volume of the
ad was significantly quieter than the one that preceded it. Then, when
the next ad started, the volume increased to its normal level again.
So, all you people who think you're deaf; you're not. You've been
conned, that’s all. Simply turn up the volume on your TV set.
Computers
The government are paying £300million to give laptop computers to
250,000 low income families to enable them to check their children's
educational progress at school. At last, parents will now be able to
find out how their kids are doing at school. Until now, parents were
kept in the dark; unless they undertook the impossibly difficult task
of telephoning the school, attending numerous open evenings, or reading
their children's end of term report cards. So, if you want a cheap lap
top next Christmas, there’s bound to be 250,000 of them on Ebay.
The
Snow
A friend of mine from Eastern Europe was astonished to witness
this country come to a standstill because of a few centimetres of snow.
Trains were cancelled, busses were depot-bound; everyone was warned to
stay at home; extreme weather warnings, schools closed etc. Everything
in Eastern Europe works as normal during far worse weather than we’ve
experienced of late. Their trains and busses run, their schools are
open, everyone goes to works etc. In short, things function normally.
We, on the other hand, are the laughing stock of Europe. What a load of
pathetic wimps we are.
Potholes
We (motorists) pay V.A.T. when we buy
our cars, up to £400 per year road tax, and around 70p tax for every
litre of petrol we buy. This adds up to several billion pounds per year
collected from motorists. Why, then, are our roads in such a poor state
of disrepair? Where is our (motorists) money going? What have the
government done with it? They certainly haven't spent it on mew tarmac.
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