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Forget about February being the month of cupid and love; after reading my column this month, you may want to re-think your ideas of proposing on St. Valentine’s Day and save yourself a lifetime of worry. According to the news, February, is the month where most couples throw in the towel and head off to the divorce courts. The stress of Christmas with the in-laws is said to be the final straw for most relationships.
Personally speaking, I disagree. I think it's seeing your other-half
making a complete pig of themselves and breaking wind for a whole
fortnight that does it, not to mention picking whole dates out of their
teeth as though they were merely seeds. That sort of thing kills
romance stone dead. Ugh! The merest thought of my other-half prancing
around the bedroom on St. Valentine’s night in a thong, jigging about
with three bellies rolling over the top, is honestly enough to sends
shivers down my spine. Up until now, the end of a marriage has been
cause for commiseration. My Nan always used to talk about women who
divorced in hushed tones and say, "Of course, Mrs So-and-So at number
twenty three is a DIVORCEEEE," as if she had some sort of disease and
wasn't fit to mingle with the rest of us.
To be a divorced woman, or
man, was viewed as a great sadness in life. Fifty years ago, less than
1/100 marriages ended in divorce, whereas today 50% of them end up on
the rocks. Apart, perhaps, from death, can there be anything more
painful than divorce, or separation? Years before a marriage ends, both
parties started out on a path of love that should ideally last a
lifetime. You put all of your faith into a partnership, not to mention
all of your money, only now the whole thing lays in tatters around your
feet. Surely it's only normal to want to curl up and hide away from the
world for a while, isn’t it? But no, apparently this is no longer the
time to feel sorry for yourself. Instead it's a time to pick yourself
up, dust yourself down, reach for the ’phone and start planning a
Divorce Party!
Divorce Parties are all the rage these days; so much so
that one well known high street store has devoted a whole section in
their stores to ‘Divorce Party Present Lists’. It operates in much the
same way as a wedding list. They try to justify their grubby little
enterprise with slogans such as ‘Starting Out Again - let our personal
shopper help you make the right choices this time’. Errr, yes, my heart
is broken, but perhaps a new toaster will make it all better??? Party
Planners are springing up all over the place, eager to lay on the very
best Divorce Party to get you back out there, complete with balloons,
banners and coasters with ditties saying the likes of ‘who needs a
husband/wife when you can have a drink instead?’ Not forgetting the
ceremonial cutting of the ‘Divorce Cake’ either, which normally
consists of a plastic bride or groom pushing the former other-half off
the side of the cake, whereupon there’s a splattering of strawberry
jam. How very grown up is that?
They will also take care of the party
invites and make sure your ‘ex’ knows you’re doing great without them.
You can even have hundreds of non-existent made-up friends added to
your Facebook site to make it look like you’re hugely popular and the
world’s been waiting for you to get that divorce and be their friend.
The most popular songs to get you up on the dancefloor are ‘I can see
clearly now’, ‘You’re So Vain’ and 'Hit The Road, Jack'. But before you
embark on one of these sordid little parties, you first need a ‘Divorce
Hen Party’ or a ‘Divorce Stag Night Out’. These are now all the vogue.
Whole groups of women and men rampaging through towns dressed in silly
T-shirts eager to let anyone and everyone know they’re available and
back on the market.
Then there’s the ‘Divorce Dress’ for the inevitable
party which simply must top the wedding dress to show the world that
you’re back on the scene, eager to get laid/hitched again. And what
about the Unengagement Ring worn on the middle of the ‘Up Yours’
finger? Not forgetting the photographer, ever ready to arm you with
snapshots to stick on some dating website in the not too distant
future. The truth is, divorce is never funny. Even if your partner
turns into Cruella Deville or a psychotic nutcase, once their ring was
on your finger. Divorce is a time for sadness and reflection, not a
time for a knees-up or to do the Hokey Cokey.
And how are you going to
pay for all of this celebrating? Oh, don't worry, Gold-on-Line will
melt your wedding ring down for you and send you a nice little cheque,
all within 24 hours. Or friends can buy you some Divorce Vouchers to go
towards your legal bills. I swear...its all TRUE! So before you reach
for the ’phone to make an appointment with the lawyers, take a long,
hard look at the person you’re married to. Go on, squint if you have
to. Only ask yourself, do you really want to be back dancing around
your handbag to Gloria Gaynor's ‘I will Survive’ and pay a lifetime’s
subscription to Match.com? Much better to invest in some ‘Beer Googles’
and carry on regardless, I say. Who says romance is dead?
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