No Shit Sherlock

Deaks

Deaks

DEAKS takes you through his life's adventures, from leaving Rainsford Grammar School for the 'Advanced of Learning' to the present day, growing old disgracefully without shame or regret.
Deaks

Deaks

DEAKS takes you through his life's adventures, from leaving Rainsford Grammar School for the 'Advanced of Learning' to the present day, growing old disgracefully without shame or regret.

Good news as the Police report that there has been a 25 per cent drop overall in crime in the past four weeks of lockdown. There was a 36 per cent fall in burglary, 41 per cent fall in vehicle crime and a 30 per cent plunge in serious assault and robbery while shoplifting has dropped by more than half. 

NO SHIT SHERLOCK!

As we do not leave our homes people are no longer breaking into them, traffic offences are down due to the cars not leaving our garages and shop lifting is down because, let me see, oh yeah, that will be because the shops are not opening. 

Not surprisingly, domestic abuse has increased by 14 per cent almost certainly due to the husbands getting a clump from their wives for getting under their feet. 

Quelle surprise Monsieur Sherlock. 

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4 Responses

  1. A fine observational piece Mr Deakin.

    Might I venture that the verb ‘clump‘ is now somewhat archaic and hence does little to conceal your advancing years? Indeed, was it not in our day that our fathers would give us a clump round the ear’ole if we didn’t eat our greens or the local bobby astride his bike would maintain local juvenile law and order by judiciously dispensing a clump or possibly the fabled ‘clip’?

    Today ‘clump’ in the above scenarios has been replaced by abuse of human rights, taser and ASBO.

    But of course the world’s a better place for these advancements right?

  2. Haha you are spot on mate, a clump never did me any harm! Or did it lol!

    Mr Anonymous, please identify yourself!

  3. Mr Anonymous was me.

    Maybe we should conspire on an article exploring local dialect, colloquialisms and archaic terms from a mid-Essex childhood. Shaun won’t understand a word.

    Anyone for a game of Blockie?

  4. Oooohhhh sounds like an excuse to consume red wine and cheese on my patio Phil. I’m not conspiring by Zoom on such an important subject!

    Ahhh Blockie, we played that with the Avon Road mob Phil at the lamp post outside my mums house! How apt mate

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