I was chatting to my buddy from north of the border, Gus Sweaty, as he is affectionately known on my iPhone and he came up with a simple solution to help pubs open again.
The problem as he saw it was that when pubs open they will need to enforce social distancing and inevitably this will mean less people in the bar at any one time. This will obviously impact on the pubs takings and since many pubs were barely breaking even before the lockdown this is going to be a problem without simple rules that must be adhered to by all customers entering the bar.
Essentially these rules would come under a law that will be rushed through parliament by the government known as “The Minimum Drinking Act of 2020”
Pubs will encourage hardened drinkers only onto the premises, lightweight drinkers, non-alcoholic drinkers and drivers of cars will be turned away at the door. A minimum quantity of alcohol will have to be consumed and we agreed this might be 6 pints an hour south of the border and perhaps 10 pints an hour north of Carlisle. Customers will be encouraged to keep their beer glasses on the table in front of them and failure to keep up with the required rate would result in the punter being asked to leave “I’m sorry Sir but it has been bought to my attention that you have fallen behind the required consumption rate and I shall have to ask you to leave”
Customers with a low consumption of alcohol would be encouraged to pair up with a Super Hardened Drinker aka “SHD” whereby he or she drinks slowly whilst the appointed SHD necks their drinks in super fast time. This could also work given a team of say 4 or more where say perhaps 2 SHD are responsible for say 80% of the required intake for the team. This would be known as “taking some for the team”
Your pub needs you. Please sign the petition below online to show the government your support of this initiative;