BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS
They say that sex is the breakfast of champions. However, I am far less predictable. What I mean is, sometimes I might fancy a couple of Weetabix and sometimes I might fancy a toasted bagel, only I don’t really decide until I’m halfway down the stairs, still in me jim-jams (naturally with THE EDGE logo printed all over them, just so the picture is 100% complete in your minds, readers).
Anyway, this particular morning – well, this very morning, as it happens – I’m looking in the cupboard as I know exactly what I fancy, only, like most blokes, I have to R.T.M. (refer to missus).
“Haven’t we got any Bran Flakes?” I ask (sometimes I have Bran Flakes mixed with Grape Nuts with slices of banana and yogurt on top).
“Yes,” says Mrs Edge, “they’re underneath the Shreddies.”
Jesus wept. Underneath the Shreddies?
I vaguely remember fancying some Spoon Sized Shreddies (to which I add honey) on our last camping trip (see your editor beneath his fishing brolly, above, even though I’ve never been fishing in my life), only presumably I never finished the whole box and IN ORDER TO SAVE ON SPACE, Mrs Edge has decided to put the remaining Shreddies ON TOP of the Bran Flakes in a Tupperware container.
WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT???
So you can imagine the start to the day I’ve had, can’t you, readers? I mean, World War III nearly broke out.
“That is absolute madness, woman! What the bloody hell are you doing mixing cereals?”
“There was no room. I had to!”
“No room? What….so I have to finish the Shreddies before I can have some Bran Flakes, have I?”
“Well pick them off the top then!”
“RIGHT! If that’s your attitude, I bloody well WILL!”
Naturally I then continued muttering beneath my breath in the general direction of the wife about how this is not such a good start to the day for me personally as “doesn’t she appreciate that ‘us creative types’ need peace and harmony at the breakfast table in order to get the creative juices flowing” – to which she just gave me that withering look that I have become oh so used to over the years.
Tut. So that’s breakfast time in our house, readers. What’s it like in yours?