WHO’S A CLEVER BOY, THEN? – KINGPIN

Shaun November 3, 2011 0
WHO’S A CLEVER BOY, THEN? – KINGPIN

WHO’S A CLEVER BOY, THEN?

I am, that’s who.
You may have read, with a certain amusement, in last month’s Edge that not once, but twice, did our glori- ous leader take umbrage about the fact that I am, apparently, an irritating little know-all. I have no doubt that I can be extremely irritating at times; indeed, it’s something I strive to accomplish on a daily basis. If I can raise someone’s blood pressure, or have them muttering expletives under their breath, then I’ve had a good day.

It’s like looking into a mirror

However, the fact remains that, in all honesty, I’m smarter than the aver- age bear. Yes, I’m aware you might think that’s arrogant, but it’s not. The arrogant bit is me not
caring what you think in the first place. The goalposts for measuring IQ are constantly moving and you can find many interesting debates regarding exactly what does and does not constitute someone’s IQ. Or you could if you weren’t all such dumb arses and read a few books every now and again.

Most scientists agree that the most important factor determining your IQ is how well an individuals ‘working memory’ functions. This is your abili- ty to hold and manipulate things in your memory – such as the elements to a mathematical puzzle – and then to analyze these elements together and come up with the correct answer.
Another significant contributing factor is simple curiosity. The more you know, the more you want to know, so the more you try to learn. I’m voraciously curious and want to know about pretty much everything. A standard week will find me researching subjects from forensic psychology to the history of the Old West.

“Blimey, he’s just cured cancer and solved the Middle East peace problem as well.”
Clever people are also far more likely to lie than dimwits are. As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, lying is difficult thing to do properly. You need to keep track of all the untruths you’ve said, who you’ve said them to, and (for those of us who are real- ly good at it) be formulating your cover up story if people start questioning you too deeply. Doing all this requires your brain to be integrating several high function thought processes at once, and morons sim- ply don’t have the processing power to do such effectively.

Studies have shown that our ability to lie grows as we mature and become more intelligent. A simple test involving children of various ages being left alone in a room after being told, “Don’t look under that blanket” showed that at age 2 a mere 25% of them lied about looking under it. At age 3 it rose to 50%, and by the age of 4 over 90% of the little shites were lying through their teeth. So for those of you who do have kids, if little Timmy starts bullshitting you aged just two years old, you’ve probably got a genius on your hands.

“We’re onto you sunshine!”

The final kick up the backside of intelligence is the fact that we’re more likely to die earlier than our cretinous counterparts. Most of us clever people are night owls and stay up late more often than not, probably because that’s the only time we can get some peace and quiet and actually get some shit done. Unfortunately, a consistent lack of sleep and broken circadian rhythms (shall I stop for a second while you look up ‘circadian’, or are you just going to pretend you know what it means and carry on reading?) has been proven to make you far more likely to be depressed, stressed, irritable and, oh yeah, develop heart disease.

So, while those of us with superior intellects may be irritating, lying, irascible drunkards and drug addicts, you can at least rest easy in the knowledge that we probably won’t be around for that long, so you’ll be able to get back to dodging the library and watching your X-Factor in peace.

I’m fairly certain this is historically accurate

Personally, I like being clever, main- ly because I like sharing things with people that make them say, “Really? Well, I never knew that!” Seeing peo- ple getting excited by learning stuff makes my day and if they’re then interested enough to go off and start looking into stuff themselves, then I honestly believe that I’ve done a good thing.

Unfortunately, being clever isn’t all it’s cracked up to be at times, as the more intelligent among us are prone to some rather interesting follies and ailments. We all know the stereotype of the awkward, bookish nerd who never gets laid, right?
I was basically McLovin’ at school

Well, the reason this has become a stereotype is because it’s actually true. Only this trend isn’t something that simply goes on during your school years; it’s proven that people with higher IQ’s are less likely to have children than their more
idiotic counterparts, or at least have just one or two.

In the main, this is tied into the fact that most people with a brain in their head want to do something with their lives and establish themselves before they start spawning legions of children. However, it’s also been proven that the opposite holds true and that people with lower IQ’s have more children, so essentially the intelligent people are letting them- selves be bred out of society by all the lackwits. Interestingly, they’ve also proven that part of the reason why all the idiots breed so much is that girls with a lower IQ don’t know how to use contraceptives properly.

“I’ll obviously need a glass of water with this as I’m not swallowing it dry.”

I’ve decided not to father any children and this decision is partly tied to being of above average intelligence. I’ve read literally hundreds of scientific reports on the rampant overpopulation of the human race, so I’ve decided not to exacerbate the problem if I can help it.

On the less altruistic side, of course, is the fact that I’m used to my life being of minimum hassle and maxi- mum ‘do whatever the hell I like’, so of course, children are going to be a no-no. Then there’s the possibility that, due to the dangerous levels of cigarettes, alcohol and narcotics I’ve consumed over the years, my poor old spermatozoa would probably be born with two heads and limp down my old vas deferens on some sort of jism mobility scooters.

That last point also segues nicely into the fact that people with higher intelligence are more likely to be either drunkards, substance abusers, or both, than their less intelligent counterparts. A British study, taken over a number of years, showed that not only were those people with an IQ of 125 and higher more likely to experiment with alcohol and drugs, but were also more likely to drink excessively and regularly binge drink.

Clever people are also far more likely to lie than dimwits are. As I’ve mentioned in previous articles, lying is difficult thing to do properly. You need to keep track of all the untruths you’ve said, who you’ve said them to, and (for those of us who are really good at it) be formulating your cover up story if people start questioning you too deeply. Doing all this requires your brain to be integrating several high function thought processes at once, and morons sim- ply don’t have the processing power to do such effectively.

Studies have shown that our ability to lie grows as we mature and become more intelligent. A simple test involving children of various ages being left alone in a room after being told, “Don’t look under that blanket” showed that at age 2 a mere 25% of them lied about looking under it. At age 3 it rose to 50%, and by the age of 4 over 90% of the little shites were lying through their teeth. So for those of you who do have kids, if little Timmy starts bullshitting you aged just two years old, you’ve probably got a genius on your hands.

The final kick up the backside of intelligence is the fact that we’re more likely to die earlier than our cretinous counterparts. Most of us clever people are night owls and stay up late more often than not, probably because that’s the only time we can get some peace and quiet and actu- ally get some shit done.

Unfortunately, a consistent lack of sleep and broken circadian rhythms (shall I stop for a second while you look up ‘circadian’, or are you just going to pretend you know what it means and carry on reading?) has been proven to make you far more likely to be depressed, stressed, irritable and, oh yeah, develop heart disease.

So, while those of us with superior intellects may be irritating, lying, irascible drunkards and drug addicts, you can at least rest easy in the knowledge that we probably won’t be around for that long, so you’ll be able to get back to dodging the library and watching your X-Factor in peace.

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