My foodie fix

Ann Kirkby

Ann Kirkby

Ann K. looks towards the future as well as back at the past. She aims to temper her pessimism with optimism.
Ann Kirkby

Ann Kirkby

Ann K. looks towards the future as well as back at the past. She aims to temper her pessimism with optimism.

I don’t know about you, but with so much extra time on my hands my mind is fixated rather on planning my next meal, in fact food has become rather all-consuming. As I have only myself to please, I’m too often a “oh bugger the salmon en croute with duchesse potatoes and buttered asparagus spears, I’ll just have beans on toast today”, kinda girl! 

I’ve now been three times to a supermarket during this time, there have been times in between those outings when my desire for chocolate or something sweet has caused me to put on my shoes and grab my car keys, then common sense, and guilt in not making that non-essential trip has stayed my hand, and at that point I’ve gone to the kitchen and made biscuits. I’ve made four batches now; my precious stock of flour being carefully measured out. (And no, I’ve not found a secret source of that currently prized commodity, I had it prior to the lock-down).  Getting yeast now, that’s a whole different problem! And I almost whooped with joy when I spotted eggs were again on the shelves.

When I have got back from each supermarket trip, planned now with almost military precision, having discarded my gloves and mask and wiped each item before putting away in fridge and cupboards, the next couple of days are spent totally ignoring all ‘fruit and fibre’, and gorging myself on the booty I’ve been able to buy.

So, I thought about two socially-distancing people sharing a ‘food booty video call’ (this is all completely from my fevered imagination you understand!) and thought this is how it might go. (In my head I can hear that the first person sounds like plummy Joanna Lumley, and the second person like Jasper Carrott, with his flat Birmingham accent, it makes it seem more ridiculous somehow).

(Joanna) “Hiii, and what are you having today?”.

(Jasper) “Erm, a ham and mustard sandwich”.

(Joanna) “Oh, that’s hot!”.

(Jasper) “And I’m opening a packet of Walkers Crinkles crisps… Punchy Paprika flavour”.

(Joanna) “Hold it up to the screen, I want to see it!” Do they have Ridges? Ooh yeah”.

(Jasper) “And what do you have?”.

(Joanna) “Oh, I have a slender thin bagel, smeared with delicate cream cheese and I’ve sprinkled rocket leaves on top”. And some Monster Munch… Pickled Onion flavour, on the side”.

(Jasper) “Oooh, you’re such a classy woman”.  “Oh, hold on, I’ve just dropped a blob of mustard on my shirt”.

(Joanna) “Is your shirt dirrrty now?”.

(Jasper) “Nope it’s ok, it wiped right off with a wet J cloth”.

(Joanna) “So, what else do you have there?”.

(Jasper) “Now I’m unwrapping a Kit Kat”.

(Joanna) “Is it milk or dark chocolate?”.

(Jasper) “Dark chocolate”. “Orange flavour”.

(Joanna) “Oh, you’re killing me here!

(Jasper) “What else do you have there?”.

(Joanna) “I’m slowly peeling a kiwi fruit and sliding a slice between my lips”.

(Jasper) “Well, you’ve got a pip between your teeth”.

Sounds of sucking of teeth off-screen to dislodge said pip.

(Jasper) “Well, I’ve finished my lunch now, and I have to get back to work”.

(Joanna) Sighing, “Oh ok, that’s a shame”. “Well I’m just going to ‘erm …… do some ironing”.

(Jasper) “Ok, shall we do this again at the same time, tomorrow?”.

(Joanna) “Oohhhh, yeah!”.


One Response

    That is BRILLIANT.
    Just sooooooooo EDGE!
    Apart from you’ve posted the same illustration pic twice.
    But the BOLD TEXT….was that totally accidental?
    I’m guessing it was.
    But IMPRESSIVE all the same, girl.
    I’ll ask Richard @ Webwax to see if he can help out ‘a frail old lady’ by removing the second pic for you in these desperate times (heehee)!!!

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