Totally Tracie



Editor & Head Honcho.


Editor & Head Honcho.

Boffins have announced plans to launch a sandwich that can last a fortnight on store shelves before it disintegrates into a mouldy green mess and kills you. Whilst its great to have technology constantly evolving and making our lives better, it got me thinking that there has to be a downside to all this.

If a sarnie lasts two weeks, what on earth would happen to the reduced aisle in our supermarkets then?

I have witnessed first hand the mass hysteria that breaks out when a 50p egg & cress sand- wich goes on the reduced shelf. My God, there’s nearly always a riot with hands grabbing as many packets as they can, whether they like egg & cress or they don’t. I’ve even seen people on the ’phone to their friends and family shouting: “Get yourself down to Tesco/Sainsburys/ Morr- isons/wherever, they’ve got Tuna & Cucumber sarnies is on special!” If these scientists get their way, you can definitely kiss goodbye to bargains like this in the future.

Grab your Bags

I am the most unorganised person when it comes to shopping.
I never plan, I just pop in when- ever I can. Each week, when I do the shopping at the supermarket, the checkout girl always asks me, “Do you need any carrier bags?” I often feel like saying, “No, dear. I intend to balance it all on my head, like those African women do, and waddle back to my car.“

Only when you say, “Yes, please” they end up glaring at you before grudgingly handing you but one bag at a time, even tutting if you dare to ask for more.

It appears supermarket carrier bags are the latest thing to be socially unacceptable in life…. ….after smoking and child abuse abuse, that is.
What with all the fuss of the BBC trying to ban the terms BC (Before Christ) and AD (Anno Domini – After Death), it seems those who are politically correct want to ban and airbrush the term ‘Guy Fawkes Night’ out of the equation too, and replace it with ‘The Colour Thief’. (Nope, I can’t figure that one out either. The only reason I can think of is in case it offends any suicide bombers and if suicide bombers are offended by ‘Firework Night’, then good!)

My local corner shop sells fire- works, so I asked Mr Ahmed if he was offended. He just laughed and said, “Firework Night is one of his best nights of the year.“ What a shame all these politically correct people don’t actually ask people for their opinions, rather than simply relying on their own. After all, surely it’s got to be politically incorrect to assume that all people born overseas are so highly strung that they take offence at the slightest little thing?

Bum Job

Men: be afraid, be very afraid, when your lady ask’, “Does my bum look big in this?” Quite sim- ply, this is a loaded question and woe betide any man that gets the answer wrong!
There once was a time when women worried over the large size of their derrie?re and men could get away with a simple, “No, darling. You look lovely.” But thanks to the likes of Beyonce and J’LO, women are going crazy for bigger backsides with Essex Girls leading the way. Bum Jobs, costing up to £10k and leaving the recipient unable to sit down for a fortnight due to potential displacement, are now top of many a girl’s Christmas Wish List. But if your budget won’t stretch to it, don’t despair, for you can always buy a pair of Gok Wan’s ‘Magical Spandex Knickers’ which feature strategically placed gel-filled inserts.

(I for one predict some most embarrassing accidents happen- ing whilst wearing those).

Is it any wonder romance is dead? Surely no bone fide Essex Girl worth her Jimmy Choo’s would dare leave home without her hair extensions, false eye- lashes, false nails, fake tan and chicken fillet bra….but gel-filled bum busting knickers? At this rate, by the time us poor girls make it out of the door, we’re already worn out due to all the prep. Long gone are the days when women only worried about men seeing them without their slap on. Now girls don’t dare step outside without everything being pumped up and properly glued in.


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