Old Jokes

ONE ARMED CHARLIE

I saw my mate Charlie this morning. He’s only got one arm, bless him. I shouted across the street to him, “Hey, Charlie. Where you off to?”He shouted back, “I’m off to change a light bulb.”Well, I couldn’t help myself, could I. I just cracked up and couldn’t stop laughing. So I shouted back, “Good luck with that, mate. Gonna be a bit awkward for you though, innit? All things considered.””No,” said Charlie, straight-faced. “I kept the receipt, you twat.”

ATHENS AIRPORT

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport.”Nationality?” asks the immigration officer.”German,” she replies.”Occupation?””Not this time. Flying visit.”

SHALLOW GRAVE

I suddenly awoke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door’s garden.Then my neighbour appeared out of nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, seemingly killing him instantly.Unbelievably, he then proceeded to dig a shallow grave.Quite astonished, I returned to bed.My wife said to me, “Darling, whatever’s the matter? You’re shaking like a leaf/shitting dog. What on earth is it?””You’ll never believe what I’ve just seen,” I said to her. “That tosser next door has still got my shovel.”